A few years later from the last post, the owner of this blog has returned with a heartbroken self as being torn and fallen on the cold hard ground.
Since 2011, I was having a great moment that I had found my best soulmate ever since. Happily ever after did exist, we were closely tied to each other by sharing every single thing that happened in our lives. We did a lot of girl stuffs together such as working on beauty, buying clothes and sharing our ups and downs all days long.
As time passed, a whim of negativity occurred within my heart like the waves of seas excessively roaring and pulling me down. And now, I've come to realize that I'm completely drown into the deep blue sea. And that goddamn negativity is inferiority and insecurity which have been dwelt in me since young.
Inferiority and insecurity locked me inside a very dark room and led me to putting on the trigger of a gun and shooting at my close ones constantly. When they got injured, they stood up, and kept coming forward to unlock a handcuff on me, tear a rope on my legs apart and break the door in order to rescue me from this darkest place. *chains are broken* I was finally set free physically, but I found out that I had been surviving in an unstable and negative situation for so long, the dark room had built in a magnetic addition in my deepest self. Therefore, I had been going into the room back and forth no matter how many times and hard they tried rescuing me. Nevertheless, I once had decided to give up on myself but they were standing outside the room, accompanying me to hear my screams.
On the contrary, I'd never appreciated whatever they had done and thought that I needed the dark room as my comfort zone, and hence jealousy, hatred and sadness have come across my soul, it was all shown to attack them because I couldn't take it when I saw how good they were, their strengths have somehow become a reflection of my weaknesses.
Today, I've understood the fact of everything they've done would be in vain if I myself were never willing to be courageous to stand up, walk up from the door and not to turn my face around. But I can't figure out any solutions that really work on me. Hmm. I guess I really need to stay alone for some time and get myself immersed into a solitary period.
And, I have pushed them away from where they were. I can't take a sight on them as I'm really disgusted by myself. This is the saddest and most difficult decision I've ever made. But I have no guts to face them, I have no other ways to listen to my own voices and positive mindset without a quiet moment.
SOS: need someone/something to pick up all the broken pieces of me, fix it, and revive its beauty.
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